it occurred to me that time is all relative. sometimes time doesn't tick by like you'd expect. times slows down and speeds up as it pleases, leaving us to wonder why we stare at clocks. calenders were created by men but we illustrate our lives within their monthly pages. and when the year is done, we rush out to buy another year and then another the next. we gage our feelings on these months, remember what each should bring, what they brought last year. we have associations with days- deaths and birthdays that have occurred, weddings, special celebrations, painful moments and the like. and sometimes we forget the days and sometimes we forget a whole year all together, they tick away and we're still staring at clocks wondering what time it is.
we race the clock, we race our aging skin, we try to speed up metabolism and slow down days simultaneously. we find that some days are long, especially when the sun shines longer- they drown on, but some are gone in a blink. we get up and do it again, and sometimes that feels worrisome and sad, but sometimes it feels hopeful. we made it through hard days, we made it through wonderful, and we'll do it all over again tomorrow and next month too.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
september-
i'm getting ready for classes to begin. getting ready mentally more than anything. summer classes are over and this month is filled to the brim with the usual. katniss got spayed a couple days ago so we are taking care of her. she wants to play now and we have to constantly tell her no, calm her and have her lay down again. she is the sweetest puppy and we are completely in love with her. we both get a heart surge of warmth at certain moments when she looks at us like she loves us or when she slumps slowly to the ground in exhaustion. i have been worrying about her when i'm at work, wish i could just take the week off to watch over her, but thats hardly realistic.
they say summer has finally hit the northwest and i suppose thats true. its been warm and beautiful for days, weeks now (i make a note not to keep exact track for i detest northwestern weather critics). as much as i love this weather and am enjoying it, i am looking forward to that crisp fall feeling i love so much. stepping outside on a cool fall day, bundled up in a sweater and scarf, the smell of the air, the hopefulness of the year- i love that. i love that feeling i get every year when the season changes and my first thought is "school supplies and new school clothes". and finally after several years of pining, i get to partake. and with a little luck i will get to partake in that promise and that feeling every year from now on, only difference is i'll be on the other side of the desk and my mom no longer takes me out for new school clothes. shame too :)
the house is settling into us. we set up the back patio with chairs and a bbq, have harvested the vegetables in my garden, have entertained paint colors. we know the house's creaks and sunlight shadows, its warm times and cool. but sometimes it still feels so big. i suppose some paint and more furniture will warm it up and shrink it down.
our first house as a married couple. and really our first nice house since we were living at home. --- no offense to my bellingham houses for they were charming and wonderful too.
katniss is now sacked out on the front rug, sleeping soundly. heart warmth moment.
the first dog experience must be similar to the first child experience, you fret and over-analyze everything, then by the second, mostly you just know what to worry about and what to let go.
i was re-reminded (by myself) yesterday that everyone around me is going to be who they are, act how they will- but my reaction is purely my own. when i am frustrated, that is my fault, for that is how I chose to react to a situation, a comment, a person. i think i need to be a combination of more selfish and self-trusting. allow things to sweep over me more often. hand it over. let it go. i was talking to myself in the car a couple days ago and said out loud "just so no"--- and immediately looked at a passing truck that had a business name on it, a phone number and word-for-word the saying "just say no". COME ON!!!!!! ok ok. sheesh i'll listen to myself.
speaking of moments, i've been thinking a lot about the 99 bridge lately. this is going to sound a little morbid- and please readers just understand my empathy and caring here- i read this article awhile ago about all the suicides that have taken place on this bridge. for those of you that drive it, you will notice they finished the suicide fence (finally) which is wonderful. this article stated that at least 220 people, that they know of, have jumped to their deaths since the bridge was created. 220. thats just a number until you think about how that many individual people stood there and decided to jump, take a step into the air. 220. this number crosses my mind every time i drive the bridge, which is twice daily. i'm in the habit now of pressing my fingers to my lips and giving a moment for each individual as i drive over the bridge. i have about 5 bridge moments/miniature kisses sent into the universe- daily, with my fingers to my lips. i know it doesn't help anybody but its helping me at least recognize the sadness of it all.
another moment: was just over the bridge going north a couple weeks back when i saw a funeral procession starting to make its way past me. it was a long line of cars, probably about 30 with several limos. as i looked at the procession that simon and garfunkle song came on the radio: the sound of silence. it was a really beautiful moment.
so here is me writing again, just writing out thoughts. i haven't been writing because i'm not convinced i have much to say: just some thoughts. i am happy with pup, home, my husband and my loved ones. i miss my friends, like usual. its a beautiful northwest day today- off to pick up kids from school...
they say summer has finally hit the northwest and i suppose thats true. its been warm and beautiful for days, weeks now (i make a note not to keep exact track for i detest northwestern weather critics). as much as i love this weather and am enjoying it, i am looking forward to that crisp fall feeling i love so much. stepping outside on a cool fall day, bundled up in a sweater and scarf, the smell of the air, the hopefulness of the year- i love that. i love that feeling i get every year when the season changes and my first thought is "school supplies and new school clothes". and finally after several years of pining, i get to partake. and with a little luck i will get to partake in that promise and that feeling every year from now on, only difference is i'll be on the other side of the desk and my mom no longer takes me out for new school clothes. shame too :)
the house is settling into us. we set up the back patio with chairs and a bbq, have harvested the vegetables in my garden, have entertained paint colors. we know the house's creaks and sunlight shadows, its warm times and cool. but sometimes it still feels so big. i suppose some paint and more furniture will warm it up and shrink it down.
our first house as a married couple. and really our first nice house since we were living at home. --- no offense to my bellingham houses for they were charming and wonderful too.
katniss is now sacked out on the front rug, sleeping soundly. heart warmth moment.
the first dog experience must be similar to the first child experience, you fret and over-analyze everything, then by the second, mostly you just know what to worry about and what to let go.
i was re-reminded (by myself) yesterday that everyone around me is going to be who they are, act how they will- but my reaction is purely my own. when i am frustrated, that is my fault, for that is how I chose to react to a situation, a comment, a person. i think i need to be a combination of more selfish and self-trusting. allow things to sweep over me more often. hand it over. let it go. i was talking to myself in the car a couple days ago and said out loud "just so no"--- and immediately looked at a passing truck that had a business name on it, a phone number and word-for-word the saying "just say no". COME ON!!!!!! ok ok. sheesh i'll listen to myself.
speaking of moments, i've been thinking a lot about the 99 bridge lately. this is going to sound a little morbid- and please readers just understand my empathy and caring here- i read this article awhile ago about all the suicides that have taken place on this bridge. for those of you that drive it, you will notice they finished the suicide fence (finally) which is wonderful. this article stated that at least 220 people, that they know of, have jumped to their deaths since the bridge was created. 220. thats just a number until you think about how that many individual people stood there and decided to jump, take a step into the air. 220. this number crosses my mind every time i drive the bridge, which is twice daily. i'm in the habit now of pressing my fingers to my lips and giving a moment for each individual as i drive over the bridge. i have about 5 bridge moments/miniature kisses sent into the universe- daily, with my fingers to my lips. i know it doesn't help anybody but its helping me at least recognize the sadness of it all.
another moment: was just over the bridge going north a couple weeks back when i saw a funeral procession starting to make its way past me. it was a long line of cars, probably about 30 with several limos. as i looked at the procession that simon and garfunkle song came on the radio: the sound of silence. it was a really beautiful moment.
so here is me writing again, just writing out thoughts. i haven't been writing because i'm not convinced i have much to say: just some thoughts. i am happy with pup, home, my husband and my loved ones. i miss my friends, like usual. its a beautiful northwest day today- off to pick up kids from school...
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
to my husband
i'm thinking chocolate cake and red wine.
i'm thinking we fill the house with flowers:
your favorite, mine and ours.
like that time you stopped on the street,
purchased a rose in another language.
i saw it coming but that didn't
ruin the charm of the moment.
you are sweet and eager
calm and ready
young and wise.
i see your laugh lines and your eye crinkles
as whispers of what is
what was
what will be.
you are sunlight and mist,
warming and refreshing.
every moment you are something to write of.
you are a tall drink of water
and i am delirious with thirst.
i'm thinking we fill the house with flowers:
your favorite, mine and ours.
like that time you stopped on the street,
purchased a rose in another language.
i saw it coming but that didn't
ruin the charm of the moment.
you are sweet and eager
calm and ready
young and wise.
i see your laugh lines and your eye crinkles
as whispers of what is
what was
what will be.
you are sunlight and mist,
warming and refreshing.
every moment you are something to write of.
you are a tall drink of water
and i am delirious with thirst.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
they named her aurora after the dawn for she filled their lives with sunlight
I just made a fantastically obvious discovery: I am blog with my telephone. Obviously. Sso here I am typing away on the playground of an elementary school. We walked here a couple hours ago... Kids will burn out soon. Morgan is growing a lot these days, every day she looks older and taller. She even speaks like she is older. Her birthday was last week, turned 5, and this change in age definitely coincides with changes in morgan's mind and body. Its incredible how fast this happens.
On a similar note- katniss is growing FAST. Already she is bigger- wider and taller. She is so adorable, we are absolutely in love with her.
Also in love with our place. I was standing in the middle of the backyard this morning and admiring the amount of sky we can see. So much sky.
Last night I walked kat as it was getting dark. It felt powerful out, the air full of life, the sky darkening slowly. It struck me how we lose our moments one by one, we experience and then they're gone, one by one. I need to slow my mind, I forget to forget myself. Its not enough to say life is short, for life is so quick in the grand sceme of things its a moment. I think if we all fully realized this we would have a hard time not gazing around constantly in love with our breathe, touches, heart beat. We would never get anything done if we fully realized the brevity of our time with eyes open and able to speak.
I found some letters yesterday: postcards from my dad's time in hawaii- I must have been about 7, I cried my eyes out reading them last night. What a loving dad I have. Must write him these sentiments. Also found a letter frm my grandpa jim, must be during my transition from high school to college. Found another from grandma sandy that is about friendship, I must have sent her a letter about loving my girlfriends because its theme is friendship and gals. I don't remember receiving any of these letters but I am thankful for them. And now I find myself in that position of missing people who are gone,for feeling like I should have made more contact with them, more connection, spent more time. I know I'm not alone here. Its an impossible situation because what is done is done, once death comes getting to know that person, that opportunity has died too.
On a similar note- katniss is growing FAST. Already she is bigger- wider and taller. She is so adorable, we are absolutely in love with her.
Also in love with our place. I was standing in the middle of the backyard this morning and admiring the amount of sky we can see. So much sky.
Last night I walked kat as it was getting dark. It felt powerful out, the air full of life, the sky darkening slowly. It struck me how we lose our moments one by one, we experience and then they're gone, one by one. I need to slow my mind, I forget to forget myself. Its not enough to say life is short, for life is so quick in the grand sceme of things its a moment. I think if we all fully realized this we would have a hard time not gazing around constantly in love with our breathe, touches, heart beat. We would never get anything done if we fully realized the brevity of our time with eyes open and able to speak.
I found some letters yesterday: postcards from my dad's time in hawaii- I must have been about 7, I cried my eyes out reading them last night. What a loving dad I have. Must write him these sentiments. Also found a letter frm my grandpa jim, must be during my transition from high school to college. Found another from grandma sandy that is about friendship, I must have sent her a letter about loving my girlfriends because its theme is friendship and gals. I don't remember receiving any of these letters but I am thankful for them. And now I find myself in that position of missing people who are gone,for feeling like I should have made more contact with them, more connection, spent more time. I know I'm not alone here. Its an impossible situation because what is done is done, once death comes getting to know that person, that opportunity has died too.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
monday.
what a weekend, what a day. this weekend katniss escorted us all over puget sound for her first big adventure. poor little girl, we drove her to kingston for chad's graduation and party where she was bombarded by love and a little too much attention. we all spent the night there and woke up still exhausted, had a little pancake family breakfast and took off for olympia. in oly we rented a truck and packed up all of my childhood things and furniture mom had been storing for me, then got stuck in major traffic on the way home, dropped of pieces of furniture off at chelsea's that mom was giving her, than finally unloaded the truck load of stuff at our place. we were finished at about 7pm. treated ourselves to hamburgers and katniss treated herself to a little peace and quiet, finally.
that is the skeleton of the weekend, anyways. it was wonderful to see so many people we love and really everything swam along nicely but we are all so tired now. katniss did so well! that was a lot of her, afterall, she is a baby! :) smiles.
this morning started off fine, we felt semi-rested, each only having to get up once last night. j took off for the bus, i made coffee and fed katniss. kat and i went outside to play, i got out some gardening things and seeds to plant. she kept running inside and all the way upstairs (a new feat for her!) looking for j, i got my exercise running around with her and bringing her back downstairs repeatedly. at some point i decided to close the door from the laundry room to the kitchen-SLAM.
---i should stop here and explain that there are three doors from the inside of the house to the backyard: kitchen to laundry, laundry to garage, garage to outside. well i remembered to unlock the outside two, but failed to unlock kitchen to laundry. one SLAM and katniss and i were very much locked out. it was lucky i was dressed, somewhat, had shoes on and she had eaten.
there was no way in.
i have been meaning to plant a key outside since we moved there, but really i have meant to do quite a list of things that have yet to be done. so after a frantic call to j and freaking out for awhile... i walked across the street to mac and bobby's place.
mac and bobby have lived in their house for 50 years (!!) and when we met them they offered neighborly help and support, tools whenever needed, mac's knowledge of carpentry and handy man skills. no naturally i took him up on in one week into meeting them and being in the neighborhood.
they were in their PJs, enjoying a lazy morning. i was wearing sweats, a nighty, a dirty skirt and flip flops, carrying katniss because i hadn't brought her leash out. my hair was a mess, i had no contacts in and hadn't bothered to brush my teeth. beauty.
katniss was very excited about the whole thing, they have a very sweet dog but kat, being a little cautious, opted to lay in my lap instead of play around. bobby put on coffee and mac went to get dressed and grab some tools. soon we were on our way over to my yard. mac worked on the door for awhile, mumbling under his breathe. he kept exclaiming it was a tough one and going back to the house for more tools. katniss played in the backyard and i set to work planting my seeds (why not, didn't have anything else to do.)
when mac was finished, i had to leave in 8 minutes for work. i got katniss' bedroom ready for the day, carseats in the car, threw on a new shirt, glasses, did a quick brush of the teeth, hid keys in a panic and ran out the door. i made it just on time, thanks to mac and bobby. best neighbors.
must make cookies tonight.
came to the house where the kids both have high fevers today and are exhausted. its morgan's birthday today so the house was scattered with presents, paper, pieces of opened goodies. i feel a bit under the weather myself, which i why i am taking advantage of my 20 minutes of quiet before their mom gets home and morgan gets up, insisting that she napped. yeah right. hard to convince a child she needs to nap when she is so much older now (5 today).
is monday over yet?
that is the skeleton of the weekend, anyways. it was wonderful to see so many people we love and really everything swam along nicely but we are all so tired now. katniss did so well! that was a lot of her, afterall, she is a baby! :) smiles.
this morning started off fine, we felt semi-rested, each only having to get up once last night. j took off for the bus, i made coffee and fed katniss. kat and i went outside to play, i got out some gardening things and seeds to plant. she kept running inside and all the way upstairs (a new feat for her!) looking for j, i got my exercise running around with her and bringing her back downstairs repeatedly. at some point i decided to close the door from the laundry room to the kitchen-SLAM.
---i should stop here and explain that there are three doors from the inside of the house to the backyard: kitchen to laundry, laundry to garage, garage to outside. well i remembered to unlock the outside two, but failed to unlock kitchen to laundry. one SLAM and katniss and i were very much locked out. it was lucky i was dressed, somewhat, had shoes on and she had eaten.
there was no way in.
i have been meaning to plant a key outside since we moved there, but really i have meant to do quite a list of things that have yet to be done. so after a frantic call to j and freaking out for awhile... i walked across the street to mac and bobby's place.
mac and bobby have lived in their house for 50 years (!!) and when we met them they offered neighborly help and support, tools whenever needed, mac's knowledge of carpentry and handy man skills. no naturally i took him up on in one week into meeting them and being in the neighborhood.
they were in their PJs, enjoying a lazy morning. i was wearing sweats, a nighty, a dirty skirt and flip flops, carrying katniss because i hadn't brought her leash out. my hair was a mess, i had no contacts in and hadn't bothered to brush my teeth. beauty.
katniss was very excited about the whole thing, they have a very sweet dog but kat, being a little cautious, opted to lay in my lap instead of play around. bobby put on coffee and mac went to get dressed and grab some tools. soon we were on our way over to my yard. mac worked on the door for awhile, mumbling under his breathe. he kept exclaiming it was a tough one and going back to the house for more tools. katniss played in the backyard and i set to work planting my seeds (why not, didn't have anything else to do.)
when mac was finished, i had to leave in 8 minutes for work. i got katniss' bedroom ready for the day, carseats in the car, threw on a new shirt, glasses, did a quick brush of the teeth, hid keys in a panic and ran out the door. i made it just on time, thanks to mac and bobby. best neighbors.
must make cookies tonight.
came to the house where the kids both have high fevers today and are exhausted. its morgan's birthday today so the house was scattered with presents, paper, pieces of opened goodies. i feel a bit under the weather myself, which i why i am taking advantage of my 20 minutes of quiet before their mom gets home and morgan gets up, insisting that she napped. yeah right. hard to convince a child she needs to nap when she is so much older now (5 today).
is monday over yet?
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