it occurred to me that time is all relative. sometimes time doesn't tick by like you'd expect. times slows down and speeds up as it pleases, leaving us to wonder why we stare at clocks. calenders were created by men but we illustrate our lives within their monthly pages. and when the year is done, we rush out to buy another year and then another the next. we gage our feelings on these months, remember what each should bring, what they brought last year. we have associations with days- deaths and birthdays that have occurred, weddings, special celebrations, painful moments and the like. and sometimes we forget the days and sometimes we forget a whole year all together, they tick away and we're still staring at clocks wondering what time it is.
we race the clock, we race our aging skin, we try to speed up metabolism and slow down days simultaneously. we find that some days are long, especially when the sun shines longer- they drown on, but some are gone in a blink. we get up and do it again, and sometimes that feels worrisome and sad, but sometimes it feels hopeful. we made it through hard days, we made it through wonderful, and we'll do it all over again tomorrow and next month too.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
september-
i'm getting ready for classes to begin. getting ready mentally more than anything. summer classes are over and this month is filled to the brim with the usual. katniss got spayed a couple days ago so we are taking care of her. she wants to play now and we have to constantly tell her no, calm her and have her lay down again. she is the sweetest puppy and we are completely in love with her. we both get a heart surge of warmth at certain moments when she looks at us like she loves us or when she slumps slowly to the ground in exhaustion. i have been worrying about her when i'm at work, wish i could just take the week off to watch over her, but thats hardly realistic.
they say summer has finally hit the northwest and i suppose thats true. its been warm and beautiful for days, weeks now (i make a note not to keep exact track for i detest northwestern weather critics). as much as i love this weather and am enjoying it, i am looking forward to that crisp fall feeling i love so much. stepping outside on a cool fall day, bundled up in a sweater and scarf, the smell of the air, the hopefulness of the year- i love that. i love that feeling i get every year when the season changes and my first thought is "school supplies and new school clothes". and finally after several years of pining, i get to partake. and with a little luck i will get to partake in that promise and that feeling every year from now on, only difference is i'll be on the other side of the desk and my mom no longer takes me out for new school clothes. shame too :)
the house is settling into us. we set up the back patio with chairs and a bbq, have harvested the vegetables in my garden, have entertained paint colors. we know the house's creaks and sunlight shadows, its warm times and cool. but sometimes it still feels so big. i suppose some paint and more furniture will warm it up and shrink it down.
our first house as a married couple. and really our first nice house since we were living at home. --- no offense to my bellingham houses for they were charming and wonderful too.
katniss is now sacked out on the front rug, sleeping soundly. heart warmth moment.
the first dog experience must be similar to the first child experience, you fret and over-analyze everything, then by the second, mostly you just know what to worry about and what to let go.
i was re-reminded (by myself) yesterday that everyone around me is going to be who they are, act how they will- but my reaction is purely my own. when i am frustrated, that is my fault, for that is how I chose to react to a situation, a comment, a person. i think i need to be a combination of more selfish and self-trusting. allow things to sweep over me more often. hand it over. let it go. i was talking to myself in the car a couple days ago and said out loud "just so no"--- and immediately looked at a passing truck that had a business name on it, a phone number and word-for-word the saying "just say no". COME ON!!!!!! ok ok. sheesh i'll listen to myself.
speaking of moments, i've been thinking a lot about the 99 bridge lately. this is going to sound a little morbid- and please readers just understand my empathy and caring here- i read this article awhile ago about all the suicides that have taken place on this bridge. for those of you that drive it, you will notice they finished the suicide fence (finally) which is wonderful. this article stated that at least 220 people, that they know of, have jumped to their deaths since the bridge was created. 220. thats just a number until you think about how that many individual people stood there and decided to jump, take a step into the air. 220. this number crosses my mind every time i drive the bridge, which is twice daily. i'm in the habit now of pressing my fingers to my lips and giving a moment for each individual as i drive over the bridge. i have about 5 bridge moments/miniature kisses sent into the universe- daily, with my fingers to my lips. i know it doesn't help anybody but its helping me at least recognize the sadness of it all.
another moment: was just over the bridge going north a couple weeks back when i saw a funeral procession starting to make its way past me. it was a long line of cars, probably about 30 with several limos. as i looked at the procession that simon and garfunkle song came on the radio: the sound of silence. it was a really beautiful moment.
so here is me writing again, just writing out thoughts. i haven't been writing because i'm not convinced i have much to say: just some thoughts. i am happy with pup, home, my husband and my loved ones. i miss my friends, like usual. its a beautiful northwest day today- off to pick up kids from school...
they say summer has finally hit the northwest and i suppose thats true. its been warm and beautiful for days, weeks now (i make a note not to keep exact track for i detest northwestern weather critics). as much as i love this weather and am enjoying it, i am looking forward to that crisp fall feeling i love so much. stepping outside on a cool fall day, bundled up in a sweater and scarf, the smell of the air, the hopefulness of the year- i love that. i love that feeling i get every year when the season changes and my first thought is "school supplies and new school clothes". and finally after several years of pining, i get to partake. and with a little luck i will get to partake in that promise and that feeling every year from now on, only difference is i'll be on the other side of the desk and my mom no longer takes me out for new school clothes. shame too :)
the house is settling into us. we set up the back patio with chairs and a bbq, have harvested the vegetables in my garden, have entertained paint colors. we know the house's creaks and sunlight shadows, its warm times and cool. but sometimes it still feels so big. i suppose some paint and more furniture will warm it up and shrink it down.
our first house as a married couple. and really our first nice house since we were living at home. --- no offense to my bellingham houses for they were charming and wonderful too.
katniss is now sacked out on the front rug, sleeping soundly. heart warmth moment.
the first dog experience must be similar to the first child experience, you fret and over-analyze everything, then by the second, mostly you just know what to worry about and what to let go.
i was re-reminded (by myself) yesterday that everyone around me is going to be who they are, act how they will- but my reaction is purely my own. when i am frustrated, that is my fault, for that is how I chose to react to a situation, a comment, a person. i think i need to be a combination of more selfish and self-trusting. allow things to sweep over me more often. hand it over. let it go. i was talking to myself in the car a couple days ago and said out loud "just so no"--- and immediately looked at a passing truck that had a business name on it, a phone number and word-for-word the saying "just say no". COME ON!!!!!! ok ok. sheesh i'll listen to myself.
speaking of moments, i've been thinking a lot about the 99 bridge lately. this is going to sound a little morbid- and please readers just understand my empathy and caring here- i read this article awhile ago about all the suicides that have taken place on this bridge. for those of you that drive it, you will notice they finished the suicide fence (finally) which is wonderful. this article stated that at least 220 people, that they know of, have jumped to their deaths since the bridge was created. 220. thats just a number until you think about how that many individual people stood there and decided to jump, take a step into the air. 220. this number crosses my mind every time i drive the bridge, which is twice daily. i'm in the habit now of pressing my fingers to my lips and giving a moment for each individual as i drive over the bridge. i have about 5 bridge moments/miniature kisses sent into the universe- daily, with my fingers to my lips. i know it doesn't help anybody but its helping me at least recognize the sadness of it all.
another moment: was just over the bridge going north a couple weeks back when i saw a funeral procession starting to make its way past me. it was a long line of cars, probably about 30 with several limos. as i looked at the procession that simon and garfunkle song came on the radio: the sound of silence. it was a really beautiful moment.
so here is me writing again, just writing out thoughts. i haven't been writing because i'm not convinced i have much to say: just some thoughts. i am happy with pup, home, my husband and my loved ones. i miss my friends, like usual. its a beautiful northwest day today- off to pick up kids from school...
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