rain

i turned in my finals papers yesterday. done with the quarter and my first year of school. i'm torn between saying it feels like a blink and it feels like a long journey. mostly, my feet are tired. i'm not complaining. but i am going to relax because life is short and i need a little breathing time. i need to categorize whats important and sort things out again. i'm too busy to think when i'm in school, thats what i tell myself anyways. i rarely write, read for pleasure, play guitar, draw, take photographs- all with this idea of being "too busy". its valid, i am, but too busy to have a little artistic moment? too busy to be good to my husband? write a letter to a friend? call my mom? no, i'm not too busy to do any of this really. sure there are days that whisk by and there really is no time. but there always IS time. until theres not. and then, well, that is that. its been pouring rain for hours. and not spring rain, warm and drizzly. this rain is cold and vicious, reminding us all of winter more than spring days. customers come into pie dripping wet and disoriented. some rude. i blame it on the weather. also its very bright today- partially my perspective is warped due to my eye exam. had my eyeballs dilated. wore sunglasses into work and wore them for several hours. my boss didn't seem to mind, he said i looked "cool and bohemian". yes please. the shop filled with windows, gets very bright. anyways, i was cleaning up or something and this young man came in, asked if he could sit and wait for the bus, as it was pouring rain outside. yes yes of course. he stayed for 10 minutes or so, i helped customers, sat in the back when there was a lull. then this nice couple came in, smiling and asked my name. i told them and they were about to order when the young man sprang from his chair, ran towards the counter, threw a 1 dollar bill down, said "thank you for the good music!" and ran out the door. "did he see a bus?" the man asked. "yes" i replied, "he was waiting for one". "oh!" they both said in unison and rushed out the door. it all happened in about 5 seconds, it was really very amusing.

self.

this quarter is so much better than the last. i've had time to think and breath even, what a luxury that is. i'm happy to be working towards something of importance but i also do not want to be one that takes life too seriously and works my life away without stopping at times and just... being. i'm in favor of stopping and just thinking, just being, breathing. even if its for a moment, that moment is important because it is where you are at, it does not abide in the past or future moments, it is your present and should be acknowledged.
when i wrote my letter for graduate school, i focused on my interest in being a lifelong learner. i still want this and am happy to say that teaching will indeed provide this... as my teacher friends can attest to i am sure! i aim to be a lifelong learner outside the classroom and textbooks as well though, i can learn from myself and those around me and i will learn best when i am quiet, still and introspective. i find myself taking up the quiet spaces often and creating noise, but when i turn it all off or at least down a bit, then i realize what is happening. i want to understand myself, my place, my responsibility. i want to appreciate it so much i cry. i don't want to apologize for coming into my own skin, being myself and being happy. i don't want to. i love these words that j found for me. i think it was his way of reminded me to feel comfortable in my own skin and be myself. last night we went on a date, it was the best. we sat, chatted, flirted, munched on deliciousness. on the way home, or there, can't remember, we were singing along to the radio and he stopped and asked me if i am still myself around him. i smiled and said yes, i am. its true. and he agreed.

babyboniver

I am aware not it has been a spell since I've written here. Busy days, lots of writing and reading. A good amount of self reflection and exploration. A lot of moments of unworthiness. Recently I felt compelled to tell the director of my program how thankful I am to be here. I get overwhelmed, yes, but I am so happy to be learning, to be engaged in my future career and learning to learn, learning to teach. My essay about being a continual learner, the one I submitted as my entrance essay, was spot on. I was not trying to play to my audience, I was being honest, but turns out: it was the right thing to say. Its true and it plays out.

"words count for nothing except in so far as they represent acts" -theodore roosevelt speech 1910.

This quarter is wrapping up and I am going to sigh a big one when its over.

I've been listening to a lot of Bon Iver lately while studying. Just the same few cds, over and over again. They're about the only music I can handle while studying. I get too distracted with television, music, noise... I become engrossed and then the words on the page are just that, words. Katniss likes Bon Iver too. It calms here. When J is gone, Katniss is on high alert, I like to think she wants to protect me. So every little noise and Katniss is barking, running through the house and chasing the invisible nothing. But with Bon Iver on, she is calm, passed out on her side currently like a sleepy baby.

cupcakes, knowledge and scamming.

Is there anything more delicious than a red velvet cupcake? I think not.

Sitting here indulging in my favorite treat with my least favorite cup of coffee in Seattle, about to study, I've decided to put it off just long enough to write a little ditty. I forget, truth be told, to write on this here thing until you, my fine friends, remind me! Thanks!

I miss you oodles.

This quarter has started out much better and feels more manageable. Its not easier or any less work-its actually substantially more work, but I think I understand it now. I've named the beast, I know how he works and what pleases him. I understand how to learn, teach myself and focus on small goals. I don't look at the future, I break down each week into days, assignments, chapters, tests, papers, discussions, and the like. So far, so good. Only one minor cry thus far. Considering last quarter, I think that is fantastic.

Whew.

I am currently learning about Political Science, Economics, Strategies for Instruction and Diversity in Education. These are all very interesting, which helps- even economics- surprised? I am boggled that the more you know, the more you realize these subjects overlap and co-exist. None of the subjects I study, none of the papers, articles, books I read, live on their own. We are a group collective, all sharing, learning, exploring information and our world, so its no surprise that nothing exists on its own. This realization just makes me want to learn more. I want to learn everything. EVERYTHING!

I am nothing without the support of my loved ones, so thank you. Also- my husband is the best, always telling me what a great job I am doing and how much he adores me. I want this type of support and love for each and every person. Food, knowledge and LOVE. That's all we really need right?

In other news: I WAS SCAMMED! Yep. I was working Pie and I gave this overly happy couple their change (they paid with a hundred... so annoying), the gal thanked me. I turned around to cut slices, scoop ice cream and make espresso, while I was doing this they exchanged some money- I didn't hear all of the conversation but basically the dude wanted change from her for a 20 or something... then asked me for a drink, he paid and I went back to work. THEN- as I was handing them all their goodies, the gal informed me that I had not given her enough change "you gave me 76.26 and you own me 86.26." Well folks, I gave her 86, I know it. I counted it twice. But yeah we went back and forth, it was awkward, and eventually I said I would take her word for it and gave her an extra $10. $#%$%%*&&^&(#!$!#$!#%!#
I counted the till that night and I was right. eat it.
Kilibird was there, which was good, otherwise I may have lost it.

Back to studies, gotta get my learning on...

Impostor!

I haven't been writing because my life has felt busy. Probably because it IS busy. I am trying to balance the perfect life and I am having a difficult time of it.
Yes- things just got real on my blog. But really, this is what I have to write about. So take it or leave it. Someday I will write about fashion and post photos of shoes, purses and hairstyles. Someday I will write about babies and talk talk talk until you can't take it any longer about alllll the cute things my (future) children do and say. Someday I will write about my deeper feelings on the world, its inhabitants and spirituality. But today- today is about current realizations. They may seem small but to me they are all-encompassing.

I have been feeling out of sorts lately- trying to juggle everything and feeling like a failure when something, anything, goes wrong. In part I blame this on my parents who have clean homes and lives. But even that isn't true- I look at them for inspiration because they are successful people, but we all have our areas which need improvement. Regardless, I see my life as a partial reflection of my parents and I like to emulate and share their success as people. I also want to make them proud. I want to make everyone proud. Also-
I want to be perfect.

THERE I SAID IT.
I want to be a great student, future teacher, perfect renter, have a clean home that is well decorated, be an asset to my community, be a great and loving wife, good puppy owner, good friend/daughter/sister/etc, good employee, good cook. My use of adjectives is interesting here... And Nevermind all the extras- I would like to be a musician.. no time, I would like to do more baking... maybe during the holidays, I would like to be a more informed citizen, I would like to work out more and be in better shape.

Lately the smallest reflection of my inability to do and be all of these things, sends me into a frenzy of emotions. I am not being fair to myself.

Luckily, my support team says I am perfectly capable of being successful, but not perfect. Perfection is not something I should aspire to. How ridiculous! And its funny too, because I don't expect anyone else to be perfect at everything they do. We all drop balls and have our moments, days, of turmoil. This is life and perfection is unrealistic, and maybe does not exist at all.

Perfect people are boring.

Get a job.

I was sent this little gem from Katrina, http://www.xojane.com/issues/impostor
which brought to my attention that the emotions I am feeling are stemming from the belief that I am not worthy of where I am. I am in graduate school- how did I get there?! I feel like an impostor daily. And not just in grad school but in everything. Therefore the moments that I do stumble and show some weakness, I am overwhelmed my the emotions that some streaming out...

Thankfully, my dad's quote and lifeblood: fake it til you make it, has helped me get this far in life. And it may take me further still.

I know I need to be less critical of myself. I will try. In the mean time, I am going to start being more honest with myself. I am thankful I have such a wonderful husband, friends and family who will put up with me and my insecurities. Who doesn't have insecurities? Come on.

happy birthday allegra!

love you so much. you are such an incredible person, so caring and kind. i am proud to be your friend and feel so honored to have grown up with you. i am so excited for our futures and more time(s) together.
****here's to tomorrow*** clink!

sunshine in the fall

our neighborhood is delightful, everyone is so friendly and eager to help out. last week when we got robbed, our across the street neighbors let me into their home as i waited for the police. katniss played with their dog, we all had coffee and talked about experiences with break ins, like this was just an everyday event. that couple has seen it all, so i reckin that to them, it was just another day. they say wisdom comes with age and i am inclined to believe it. (...in this case...)

its sunny out today, the best of northwest fall days. it was pouring rain this morning and i was afraid we wouldn't get a chance to get out there for a walk, but it cleared right up. i spent some time doing house chores, several hours of homework and spent some time cutting branches and weeding in the front yard. we need to cut down some branches and trim up the hedge in the front, so our neighbors can see our place better.

robbers- #@%$^%^*^&(^&(^^#$%!@@#####%%$%&%*(&!@~!!!!$!#%@#%#$^$%&%^*^

katniss is sleeping and i am rewarding myself with wine and chocolate, then back to work work. school is constant but its positive. i am working towards something of great importance and that feels so good.

my little brother turned 10 a couple days ago. i can't even believe it. i remember him as a babe, with all his sweetness and his insecurities that were so painful to see. and i remember him turning, switching his tune and loving us. i remember him talking to a slug and me writing about it. "hi slug! my name is tyler, whats yours?" i remember him as a 5 year old, he is stuck that way in my mind. when i hug him now, it doesn't seem natural, hes so tall and lanky. he's actually not that tall but he is stunted in my mind as 5, so for a "5 year old" he is huge. he has thoughts, opinions, constant questions. i remember when he was about 6, and then again when he was 7, he asked "thicker? whats thicker?" two winters in a row, we sat in the media room of the old sandy house and watched the snow come down, and two years in a row i said "its getting thicker"...
"thicker? whats thicker?"
i thought it was precious, the way he said it, the way he laid on that syllable.

happy birthday tyler, chad and my dad this month! october: the month of birthdays!