rain

i turned in my finals papers yesterday. done with the quarter and my first year of school. i'm torn between saying it feels like a blink and it feels like a long journey. mostly, my feet are tired. i'm not complaining. but i am going to relax because life is short and i need a little breathing time. i need to categorize whats important and sort things out again. i'm too busy to think when i'm in school, thats what i tell myself anyways. i rarely write, read for pleasure, play guitar, draw, take photographs- all with this idea of being "too busy". its valid, i am, but too busy to have a little artistic moment? too busy to be good to my husband? write a letter to a friend? call my mom? no, i'm not too busy to do any of this really. sure there are days that whisk by and there really is no time. but there always IS time. until theres not. and then, well, that is that. its been pouring rain for hours. and not spring rain, warm and drizzly. this rain is cold and vicious, reminding us all of winter more than spring days. customers come into pie dripping wet and disoriented. some rude. i blame it on the weather. also its very bright today- partially my perspective is warped due to my eye exam. had my eyeballs dilated. wore sunglasses into work and wore them for several hours. my boss didn't seem to mind, he said i looked "cool and bohemian". yes please. the shop filled with windows, gets very bright. anyways, i was cleaning up or something and this young man came in, asked if he could sit and wait for the bus, as it was pouring rain outside. yes yes of course. he stayed for 10 minutes or so, i helped customers, sat in the back when there was a lull. then this nice couple came in, smiling and asked my name. i told them and they were about to order when the young man sprang from his chair, ran towards the counter, threw a 1 dollar bill down, said "thank you for the good music!" and ran out the door. "did he see a bus?" the man asked. "yes" i replied, "he was waiting for one". "oh!" they both said in unison and rushed out the door. it all happened in about 5 seconds, it was really very amusing.

self.

this quarter is so much better than the last. i've had time to think and breath even, what a luxury that is. i'm happy to be working towards something of importance but i also do not want to be one that takes life too seriously and works my life away without stopping at times and just... being. i'm in favor of stopping and just thinking, just being, breathing. even if its for a moment, that moment is important because it is where you are at, it does not abide in the past or future moments, it is your present and should be acknowledged.
when i wrote my letter for graduate school, i focused on my interest in being a lifelong learner. i still want this and am happy to say that teaching will indeed provide this... as my teacher friends can attest to i am sure! i aim to be a lifelong learner outside the classroom and textbooks as well though, i can learn from myself and those around me and i will learn best when i am quiet, still and introspective. i find myself taking up the quiet spaces often and creating noise, but when i turn it all off or at least down a bit, then i realize what is happening. i want to understand myself, my place, my responsibility. i want to appreciate it so much i cry. i don't want to apologize for coming into my own skin, being myself and being happy. i don't want to. i love these words that j found for me. i think it was his way of reminded me to feel comfortable in my own skin and be myself. last night we went on a date, it was the best. we sat, chatted, flirted, munched on deliciousness. on the way home, or there, can't remember, we were singing along to the radio and he stopped and asked me if i am still myself around him. i smiled and said yes, i am. its true. and he agreed.

babyboniver

I am aware not it has been a spell since I've written here. Busy days, lots of writing and reading. A good amount of self reflection and exploration. A lot of moments of unworthiness. Recently I felt compelled to tell the director of my program how thankful I am to be here. I get overwhelmed, yes, but I am so happy to be learning, to be engaged in my future career and learning to learn, learning to teach. My essay about being a continual learner, the one I submitted as my entrance essay, was spot on. I was not trying to play to my audience, I was being honest, but turns out: it was the right thing to say. Its true and it plays out.

"words count for nothing except in so far as they represent acts" -theodore roosevelt speech 1910.

This quarter is wrapping up and I am going to sigh a big one when its over.

I've been listening to a lot of Bon Iver lately while studying. Just the same few cds, over and over again. They're about the only music I can handle while studying. I get too distracted with television, music, noise... I become engrossed and then the words on the page are just that, words. Katniss likes Bon Iver too. It calms here. When J is gone, Katniss is on high alert, I like to think she wants to protect me. So every little noise and Katniss is barking, running through the house and chasing the invisible nothing. But with Bon Iver on, she is calm, passed out on her side currently like a sleepy baby.

cupcakes, knowledge and scamming.

Is there anything more delicious than a red velvet cupcake? I think not.

Sitting here indulging in my favorite treat with my least favorite cup of coffee in Seattle, about to study, I've decided to put it off just long enough to write a little ditty. I forget, truth be told, to write on this here thing until you, my fine friends, remind me! Thanks!

I miss you oodles.

This quarter has started out much better and feels more manageable. Its not easier or any less work-its actually substantially more work, but I think I understand it now. I've named the beast, I know how he works and what pleases him. I understand how to learn, teach myself and focus on small goals. I don't look at the future, I break down each week into days, assignments, chapters, tests, papers, discussions, and the like. So far, so good. Only one minor cry thus far. Considering last quarter, I think that is fantastic.

Whew.

I am currently learning about Political Science, Economics, Strategies for Instruction and Diversity in Education. These are all very interesting, which helps- even economics- surprised? I am boggled that the more you know, the more you realize these subjects overlap and co-exist. None of the subjects I study, none of the papers, articles, books I read, live on their own. We are a group collective, all sharing, learning, exploring information and our world, so its no surprise that nothing exists on its own. This realization just makes me want to learn more. I want to learn everything. EVERYTHING!

I am nothing without the support of my loved ones, so thank you. Also- my husband is the best, always telling me what a great job I am doing and how much he adores me. I want this type of support and love for each and every person. Food, knowledge and LOVE. That's all we really need right?

In other news: I WAS SCAMMED! Yep. I was working Pie and I gave this overly happy couple their change (they paid with a hundred... so annoying), the gal thanked me. I turned around to cut slices, scoop ice cream and make espresso, while I was doing this they exchanged some money- I didn't hear all of the conversation but basically the dude wanted change from her for a 20 or something... then asked me for a drink, he paid and I went back to work. THEN- as I was handing them all their goodies, the gal informed me that I had not given her enough change "you gave me 76.26 and you own me 86.26." Well folks, I gave her 86, I know it. I counted it twice. But yeah we went back and forth, it was awkward, and eventually I said I would take her word for it and gave her an extra $10. $#%$%%*&&^&(#!$!#$!#%!#
I counted the till that night and I was right. eat it.
Kilibird was there, which was good, otherwise I may have lost it.

Back to studies, gotta get my learning on...