Impostor!

I haven't been writing because my life has felt busy. Probably because it IS busy. I am trying to balance the perfect life and I am having a difficult time of it.
Yes- things just got real on my blog. But really, this is what I have to write about. So take it or leave it. Someday I will write about fashion and post photos of shoes, purses and hairstyles. Someday I will write about babies and talk talk talk until you can't take it any longer about alllll the cute things my (future) children do and say. Someday I will write about my deeper feelings on the world, its inhabitants and spirituality. But today- today is about current realizations. They may seem small but to me they are all-encompassing.

I have been feeling out of sorts lately- trying to juggle everything and feeling like a failure when something, anything, goes wrong. In part I blame this on my parents who have clean homes and lives. But even that isn't true- I look at them for inspiration because they are successful people, but we all have our areas which need improvement. Regardless, I see my life as a partial reflection of my parents and I like to emulate and share their success as people. I also want to make them proud. I want to make everyone proud. Also-
I want to be perfect.

THERE I SAID IT.
I want to be a great student, future teacher, perfect renter, have a clean home that is well decorated, be an asset to my community, be a great and loving wife, good puppy owner, good friend/daughter/sister/etc, good employee, good cook. My use of adjectives is interesting here... And Nevermind all the extras- I would like to be a musician.. no time, I would like to do more baking... maybe during the holidays, I would like to be a more informed citizen, I would like to work out more and be in better shape.

Lately the smallest reflection of my inability to do and be all of these things, sends me into a frenzy of emotions. I am not being fair to myself.

Luckily, my support team says I am perfectly capable of being successful, but not perfect. Perfection is not something I should aspire to. How ridiculous! And its funny too, because I don't expect anyone else to be perfect at everything they do. We all drop balls and have our moments, days, of turmoil. This is life and perfection is unrealistic, and maybe does not exist at all.

Perfect people are boring.

Get a job.

I was sent this little gem from Katrina, http://www.xojane.com/issues/impostor
which brought to my attention that the emotions I am feeling are stemming from the belief that I am not worthy of where I am. I am in graduate school- how did I get there?! I feel like an impostor daily. And not just in grad school but in everything. Therefore the moments that I do stumble and show some weakness, I am overwhelmed my the emotions that some streaming out...

Thankfully, my dad's quote and lifeblood: fake it til you make it, has helped me get this far in life. And it may take me further still.

I know I need to be less critical of myself. I will try. In the mean time, I am going to start being more honest with myself. I am thankful I have such a wonderful husband, friends and family who will put up with me and my insecurities. Who doesn't have insecurities? Come on.