i picked my guitar up last night...

had two song sessions, played each time until i felt my fingers crack. if i bleed i can't play until i heal. today my fingers are tender, sore and remembering.

after yoga practice, we lay on our mats and our bodies remember what we've just learned, what we've been through, the accomplishments and the feelings. our brain stores those movements for later use. and next time, sure enough, it comes a little quicker. the movement is remembered without consciously memorizing.

today my fingers are remembering.

there were several songs i wrote years ago. when i sat down to play last night, they did not come to me for some time. but eventually, they came- every note, every pattern and every word. i had to silence my mind and let my fingers explore a hundred bad notes before touching down on familiarity.

our apartment's acoustics are great- sounds like a concert hall- rich deep sound without an echo.
"theres an echo in here" grant said this morning of the bathroom. he loves the bathroom-would spend hours in there if we let him. maybe he'll be a musician, loves the echos of noise and his voice.

playing music on christmas night was a highlight of this year- such love and appreciation for each other. peter's voice makes me smile until my cheeks hurt. josh's made me want to run over and hug him and embarrass him with love remarks. i miss my cousins. the kindness i received after playing made me want to play more. not for vanity's sake...
just remembered the feeling- open mic nights, tea on the bedside table, thick callouses on my finger tips, voices and notes running through my head, walkabout breaks, lightness, openness, home...
and a voice keeps coming to me- a constant "why won't you play?" and i never had an answer but i think i do now. i'm not sure it will suffice. and i don't mean to be vague. but lets face it, this is a blog.

questions go unanswered for years at a time, but its important to answer them all eventually, even if its only to yourself.

i think you get to a point where the answers are yours. not to be spilled and stepped on, misinterpreted or engaged with. just to be left alone.