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katniss and i are having another wonderful morning together. she is getting through the nights well, letting j and i sleep. for the last couple nights she wakes up once in the middle of the night and than again early in the morning...not bad compared to the first two nights when she woke us up about 5 times. ouch. and yes, this is a similarity to babies.

although i am no expert on dog raising, per se, i have found that already i get irritated when people jump in and tell us how to raise her. i know we're doing a great job and have read a good amount on how to raise her to be a great dog. there are always going to be learning curves and some steps backwards, but thats alright. like j says, she is learning as much or more than we are; we speak different languages and we must learn each other's.

i'm sure there are gems to glean from other people's knowledge, but the way some go about it leaves me red in the face and flustered. my dad's hot head is apparent in me at times.

family came over yesterday and my blood pressure rose quickly. i wish i knew what to say. i wish my words were my own, and my tone was familiar to me. at these moments i do not feel my age, i feel like a child with no voice. when i speak i speak quickly, get as many words in there before i am cut off and out-voiced by many. i am competing for attention, for voice, for eyes upon me. and when i tire of this, i agree and agree and lose all sense of self completely.

i apologize for my honesty, but without it i will no longer be able to write in this blog. there is no point writing if i am only writing about the superficial. there are daily moments that are unbelievably wonderful and some which put us at a standstill. and i am still learning and always will be. we are growing and learning from each other. we should all be doing this, but i see so many examples in which we are talking over each other instead of listening.

i am so thankful for my husband who listens to me, is respectful and loves me entirely. i am thankful for the moments where we are communicative about a situation or comment, even when it feels awkwardly honest; example of the framework: "when you said this___ i felt like this___" or "your tone sounded like this ___". these are the moments we all need to hold us together and keep us safe. i am thankful for our mother's, both of whom taught us how to communicate through the every day and the difficulties. nothing in life is seamless. there is a lot of beauty in imperfections and honest moments. i wish we all could see this and learn to communicate and listen, even when our pride overpowers the rest of us. listen. breathe. listen. repeat.

thanks j. thanks mom. thanks family. thanks friends. thanks katniss.