uh oh, thought i would do a little blogging and made the mistake of reading katrina and hayley's blogs first. now my only thought is: I HAVE NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT! i guess we all have something to offer, but these gals are doing things, having adventures: driving around south america and teaching and learning. i am sitting on the couch watching bones, trying to steady my headache, gulping down tea and waiting for my husband to come home. these are the days of our lives.
i believe that the combination of all of these moments and days, create us. even the upsetting ones. difficult moments may even define us the most. this may found cliche, definitely was written on a hallmark at some point, but it warrants some truth. we are what we have experienced and what we do with such experiences. the tough ones tell us who we are, what we do when confronted with not just the pleasant, but the difficult. happy days do not shape us really, they just re-establish who we already are.
its the challenges, the moments of waiting for the response, not knowing one's future, crying, hurting. i am combining thoughts and am all over here, apologies. a friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend and it has got me thinking about feelings and how we deal and what to say.
more on nothing later.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
dining.
i am so looking forward to entertaining. our new space will provide space: inside and out that will allow for dinners and such. outside we'll have space to grow vegetables. makes me think of a dirty life when the author explains the great comfort she felt on the farm when she realized that no matter what happens in the world, she had enough food to sustain herself and others. simple. eat and live.
i think i need to get back to basics, stop overgrowing and overwhelming my life.cut down the branches that was rotting, prune and love the new life growing, let go and give life.
perusing an article today in more magazine today, i came across an author and cook that i am going to look into: dorie greenspan. the article was about her experience entertaining in new york and in paris. she was noticing the cultural differences and ended up incorporating some paris norms into her entertaining in the u.s. for example, in paris there is more time set aside for dinner gatherings, no one is in a hurry to eat or leave, food is enjoyed without time in mind. and of course theres lots of wine and talk. she stopped clearing plates so quickly after a meal and realized that the ambiance flourished because of this.
more thoughts on dining and entertaining later.
i think i need to get back to basics, stop overgrowing and overwhelming my life.cut down the branches that was rotting, prune and love the new life growing, let go and give life.
perusing an article today in more magazine today, i came across an author and cook that i am going to look into: dorie greenspan. the article was about her experience entertaining in new york and in paris. she was noticing the cultural differences and ended up incorporating some paris norms into her entertaining in the u.s. for example, in paris there is more time set aside for dinner gatherings, no one is in a hurry to eat or leave, food is enjoyed without time in mind. and of course theres lots of wine and talk. she stopped clearing plates so quickly after a meal and realized that the ambiance flourished because of this.
more thoughts on dining and entertaining later.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
is your nose running?... why don't you catch it?
i am so tired of being so sick and tired. this week has felt long and cloudy. i have been sick twice in the past couple weeks, each time lasting a few days. i can't really take days off because i am not allowed sick days and am depended upon. this is definitely getting old. i am becoming increasingly aware that i would not be so sick so often if i wasn't around kids all of the time. i am good about sanitizing, almost to a fault, but alas, it does not prevent the sickness from entering me. i am surrounded by runny noses.
j leaves for new york tonight for 24 hours for a meeting, swanky. then on saturday we head to bellingham for friend dates. i better feel better by then. come on body, get it together.
10 things i know to be true:
i love and am loved immensely by my friends, family and my husband.
tomorrow is another day.
this too shall pass.
real friendships take time and many moments.
we cannot drain the ocean.
we need rain.
puppies are adorable, as are most babies so the parents feel the need to protect them.
cooking for oneself makes one understand they are worth a good meal.
change is the only thing constant.
we are living things and therefore we eventually will die.
10 things i absolutely love:
the change of seasons, especially fall.
celebrity crushes, example: zoey deschannel.
archibalds perfume.
writing and receiving letters.
the hunger games, and other books which engross.
spring crocuses, specifially purple.
guilt free nonfat lattes.
the idea of being pregnant.
gardens.
sunshine and swimming: the combo.
10 things i detest:
clutter.
unwanted noise.
slobs.
distrustful people.
my own anxiety and hair playing.
waiting.
how i over-think most things.
parents who are rough with their children.
babies without hats. i don't detest the baby, i detest the parent. get a hat on that child.
ignorance.
j leaves for new york tonight for 24 hours for a meeting, swanky. then on saturday we head to bellingham for friend dates. i better feel better by then. come on body, get it together.
10 things i know to be true:
i love and am loved immensely by my friends, family and my husband.
tomorrow is another day.
this too shall pass.
real friendships take time and many moments.
we cannot drain the ocean.
we need rain.
puppies are adorable, as are most babies so the parents feel the need to protect them.
cooking for oneself makes one understand they are worth a good meal.
change is the only thing constant.
we are living things and therefore we eventually will die.
10 things i absolutely love:
the change of seasons, especially fall.
celebrity crushes, example: zoey deschannel.
archibalds perfume.
writing and receiving letters.
the hunger games, and other books which engross.
spring crocuses, specifially purple.
guilt free nonfat lattes.
the idea of being pregnant.
gardens.
sunshine and swimming: the combo.
10 things i detest:
clutter.
unwanted noise.
slobs.
distrustful people.
my own anxiety and hair playing.
waiting.
how i over-think most things.
parents who are rough with their children.
babies without hats. i don't detest the baby, i detest the parent. get a hat on that child.
ignorance.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
backtobasics. (also a good shampoo)
i asked my dad if the world has always been under such distress and chaos as it is today. i prefaced this inquisition with, "i know i may be naive, but doesn't it seem like there are a lot of wars, natural disasters, people starving, horrible things occurring in the world right now?" he agreed, because who could not considering our world. but he brought up our access to constant information and communication between countries. we have the ability to know what is happening right now in most countries; our information doesn't have a delay. we have access to individuals and their stories, not just policy's and power player's delayed and contrived stories.
ultimately dad said: yeah, give or take, our earth has always been under turmoil and infested with disaster. there are other aspects of our society that are different now then they were a couple hundred years ago though, for example: we build near the sea. for the most part when survival was our goal and resources were limited, we did not build near the sea for the beauty of it. we build fishing villages for fishing maybe, but not high rises, million dollar mansions and cities pressed against the ocean. we have changed our locations and in some instances, put ourselves in harm's way. this could be said for many aspects of our current western world. we have come to rely on nuclear power and oil, for example, which have created a new playing field for the world's powers. we now have different priorities and these are dangerous. we are no longer simply living to feed ourselves, we have branched out and created a world based on needs and wants, much more than our basics.
ultimately dad said: yeah, give or take, our earth has always been under turmoil and infested with disaster. there are other aspects of our society that are different now then they were a couple hundred years ago though, for example: we build near the sea. for the most part when survival was our goal and resources were limited, we did not build near the sea for the beauty of it. we build fishing villages for fishing maybe, but not high rises, million dollar mansions and cities pressed against the ocean. we have changed our locations and in some instances, put ourselves in harm's way. this could be said for many aspects of our current western world. we have come to rely on nuclear power and oil, for example, which have created a new playing field for the world's powers. we now have different priorities and these are dangerous. we are no longer simply living to feed ourselves, we have branched out and created a world based on needs and wants, much more than our basics.
spring time
morgan says: "the blossoms are pink and on every cherry tree"
i reply that this makes me so happy,
she laughs her high-pitched eager notes.
the sun vanishes and then emerges,
the sky takes a spin, the clouds go soaring.
morgan pretends to drive:
break, green light, gas, go.
we start calling out fire hydrants
they think one is open.
not for children, i say, or even for ashleys,
only for muscled firemen, trained and ready.
the hose would be too heavy for us,
the power of the water too strong.
i reply that this makes me so happy,
she laughs her high-pitched eager notes.
the sun vanishes and then emerges,
the sky takes a spin, the clouds go soaring.
morgan pretends to drive:
break, green light, gas, go.
we start calling out fire hydrants
they think one is open.
not for children, i say, or even for ashleys,
only for muscled firemen, trained and ready.
the hose would be too heavy for us,
the power of the water too strong.
inspiration for the day
katrina brought this to my attention, it is just wonderful. watch and enjoy:
http://www.ted.com/talks/sarah_kay_if_i_should_have_a_daughter.html
http://www.ted.com/talks/sarah_kay_if_i_should_have_a_daughter.html
Monday, March 21, 2011
my thankful goodnight.
i am mesmerized by how we choose to define ourselves. at this time, we have the means to create a persona all our own. we can fabricate any version of ourselves that we would like, at least on "paper", or on a computer screen.
really it is brilliant, our versions are beautiful. our faces all look very nice on screen, cut and pasted for our taste. i can make myself look any way i want.
i prefer: fabulous.
but how sad it is that this is what it has come to: me looking through photos so i can decipher the exact image i want to portray to you. we look through out hundreds of photos and pick the one we have decided "explains" us, for a moment, or the week, or the month, and that is what we give to the world: our head shot.
great.
great head shot.
and yes- this is obviously what we do for network mediums, but this is also what we do daily in our conversation, our schooling, our jobs, our relationships/friendships. we pick a persona and to some extent, we stick to it. we create stories to adhere to our persona;
this isn't always negative.
sometimes its fantastic when we have picked the one that feels that is truly "shows" us and tells a story; when we have chosen to share it with the right person at the right moment in our lives:
i speak from experiences when i say: yes this is possible and it is amazing. you know it when it is true and good. it is not complicated. when you know, you know. it doesn't necessarily hit you with a ton of bricks. it may take your breathe away, but kissing will do that. it may make you feel light headed and high, and yes, well, that is natural.
note: if you are 16- don't over think it. just let it go- come back to it. when you have your head on and it doesn't seen crooked, come back to these thoughts. you may think you know. you may think you know so much that the whole entire world is against you and you just know, you just do, you know,
but you don't.
you don't know anything.
honestly.
its not meant as an insult.
you just don't know. much. you don't know much.
you've been alive for 16 years, which may seem like a lot, yes- but just look at the world's existence. do yourself a favor and give yourself a little history lesson and soon you will realize how many young gals just like yourself thought the way you do. you're not original/you're young. enjoy it but don't over think it. have another cookie, you're not fat. enjoy it.
anyways-when you know, you know. i spent a good portion of my life being something, something, a persona to please. i do not pretend to think that i don't still do this to some extent, we are born to please. and i do want to please you. but i have arrived at a place where i feel calm- the most calm i have ever felt- even with the constant changing world around me and the pain that i see reflected in faces everyday- i do feel peace. and i know this is due to my full stomach, the roof over my head and the arms around me. but through these comforts and the promise i feel when the sun is high in the sky, i know we are meant to make it another day, or maybe just another hour. and even if it i just another hour, what a beautiful moment this is. thank you.
really it is brilliant, our versions are beautiful. our faces all look very nice on screen, cut and pasted for our taste. i can make myself look any way i want.
i prefer: fabulous.
but how sad it is that this is what it has come to: me looking through photos so i can decipher the exact image i want to portray to you. we look through out hundreds of photos and pick the one we have decided "explains" us, for a moment, or the week, or the month, and that is what we give to the world: our head shot.
great.
great head shot.
and yes- this is obviously what we do for network mediums, but this is also what we do daily in our conversation, our schooling, our jobs, our relationships/friendships. we pick a persona and to some extent, we stick to it. we create stories to adhere to our persona;
this isn't always negative.
sometimes its fantastic when we have picked the one that feels that is truly "shows" us and tells a story; when we have chosen to share it with the right person at the right moment in our lives:
i speak from experiences when i say: yes this is possible and it is amazing. you know it when it is true and good. it is not complicated. when you know, you know. it doesn't necessarily hit you with a ton of bricks. it may take your breathe away, but kissing will do that. it may make you feel light headed and high, and yes, well, that is natural.
note: if you are 16- don't over think it. just let it go- come back to it. when you have your head on and it doesn't seen crooked, come back to these thoughts. you may think you know. you may think you know so much that the whole entire world is against you and you just know, you just do, you know,
but you don't.
you don't know anything.
honestly.
its not meant as an insult.
you just don't know. much. you don't know much.
you've been alive for 16 years, which may seem like a lot, yes- but just look at the world's existence. do yourself a favor and give yourself a little history lesson and soon you will realize how many young gals just like yourself thought the way you do. you're not original/you're young. enjoy it but don't over think it. have another cookie, you're not fat. enjoy it.
anyways-when you know, you know. i spent a good portion of my life being something, something, a persona to please. i do not pretend to think that i don't still do this to some extent, we are born to please. and i do want to please you. but i have arrived at a place where i feel calm- the most calm i have ever felt- even with the constant changing world around me and the pain that i see reflected in faces everyday- i do feel peace. and i know this is due to my full stomach, the roof over my head and the arms around me. but through these comforts and the promise i feel when the sun is high in the sky, i know we are meant to make it another day, or maybe just another hour. and even if it i just another hour, what a beautiful moment this is. thank you.
tomorrow.
i guess i expected someone to live my life for me. to plan it all, make the time for practice, tune my guitar and change my strings. i thought she would sit down and write melodies for me; i thought i was too busy. but really, what do i have going on... really? am i really that busy? that is an honest question: am i?
"no. i'm really not"- i reply.
because, frankly, i am not. not that busy.
sure yeah i could go into my many daily activities, needs, wants, aspirations, errands, but all they really amount to is a bunch of nonsense i need to aspire to, to conquer in order to sleep at night. and some, yes, is needed. yes, i need to pay my bills and purchase gas to drive home and then to work the following morning. but for the most part, i just fill up my days. i buy pieces for constant projects, some of which i actually finish. i send things to people; but i am not convinced that this act is purely selflessness. really- what acts do we do that are purely selfless...really? i write because i love and miss you, but i want you to write back just as much as i want you to read my words. i give a little money but i give because i think it will make my heart hurt less. it doesn't really work.
maybe i should work harder. maybe i should come to you. maybe giving a hand-full of money gives me the illusion of help but your eyes do not reflect my supposed generosity therefore it is nothing. so, is it thanks i want? goodness no. i just want want want want want want....
something. anything.
redemption, kindness, warmth.
and isn't that what we all want? as a human race, what are we looking for, striving for? life? well that is a one way road and we all know where that leads...
so then...
death? life? salvation?
and immediately we want...
love, warmth, kindness, touch, a kind hand, something to hold on to, something to steady us. the world is rocking and we might very well be in an earth quake right now, one which has lasted and will last for a very long time. and we try to stand still as we neglect our swaying bodies; our bobbing corpses. we die every day, and that is alright. i don't think its meant to scare. i think its meant to inspire.
what will you do today? ok- today wasn't your best, we both know that, so what will you do tomorrow?
"no. i'm really not"- i reply.
because, frankly, i am not. not that busy.
sure yeah i could go into my many daily activities, needs, wants, aspirations, errands, but all they really amount to is a bunch of nonsense i need to aspire to, to conquer in order to sleep at night. and some, yes, is needed. yes, i need to pay my bills and purchase gas to drive home and then to work the following morning. but for the most part, i just fill up my days. i buy pieces for constant projects, some of which i actually finish. i send things to people; but i am not convinced that this act is purely selflessness. really- what acts do we do that are purely selfless...really? i write because i love and miss you, but i want you to write back just as much as i want you to read my words. i give a little money but i give because i think it will make my heart hurt less. it doesn't really work.
maybe i should work harder. maybe i should come to you. maybe giving a hand-full of money gives me the illusion of help but your eyes do not reflect my supposed generosity therefore it is nothing. so, is it thanks i want? goodness no. i just want want want want want want....
something. anything.
redemption, kindness, warmth.
and isn't that what we all want? as a human race, what are we looking for, striving for? life? well that is a one way road and we all know where that leads...
so then...
death? life? salvation?
and immediately we want...
love, warmth, kindness, touch, a kind hand, something to hold on to, something to steady us. the world is rocking and we might very well be in an earth quake right now, one which has lasted and will last for a very long time. and we try to stand still as we neglect our swaying bodies; our bobbing corpses. we die every day, and that is alright. i don't think its meant to scare. i think its meant to inspire.
what will you do today? ok- today wasn't your best, we both know that, so what will you do tomorrow?
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
thoughts on children.
a few years ago, my mom wrote me a list of phrases, sentences, moments, throughout my life that stick out in her mind. i just read through them again and am tickled by my own mentality growing up. i am certain that parents wonder who their children will be when they grow up, and am willing to bet that the basics of that person are always there, you'll be who you are.
morgan will be sweet and giving, but the sharing will always be a chore. she will forgive people even when they don't ask for forgiveness. she will be creative and inventive, gauging all object's potential for greatness. she will always color, no matter what age. she will get her feelings hurt but always try to be brave. she will have a great sense of self and a high self esteem, "well its your loss" she will say. she will get insanely touched and tickled, feeling the full spectrum of human emotions at full intensity. hopefully she will not run after boys constantly, but its not looking good...
grant will be funny and well liked. he will need no self esteem boost, he knows he can do it. he will be affectionate and strong, smart and inquisitive. he will have a great laugh that makes others laugh too. he will bully his sister and turn around and hug her and proclaim his love for her a moment later.
so here are some of my moments:
"de da wee" translation: one two three. (2 years old) this was my way of pointing out there was a lot of something: "ALL the de da wee".
"that was skipping?" "that was swimming?" sincere questions at 6 years old when i finally figured those activities out. reminds me of card games in the dorms with allegra and hayley, their utter annoyance when i would say "did i just win?" sincere question.
"i want a bowl with a lid that doesn't fit" (about 4 years old)- this was my answer to, "what do you want for christmas"!!!!!!
this one cracks me up!
"i wish ben was real and i could marry him when i grow up" (6 years old)- in reference to my ben bear in my dollhouse. ben was perfection to me, because i created him. he was kind.
-now i have my own ben bear.
"i think those lines on the corners of women's eyes are so pretty i can hardly wait to have those." (about 8 years old)
what a healthy mentality :) i do love crow's feet still.
"i have a new friend at school and her name is katrina. i think we are going to be good friends" (about 13 years old).
:) smiles.
i asked katrina to be my lab partner in science... was it chemistry? biology? she was new to school and looked nice.
thats all for now sweet friends. i have slept in, played online with my words and thoughts. now i must eat something, drink coffee and get ready for my day. i love my day off-its the besttttt. great breaking news: MY HUSBAND COMES HOME TONIGHT!!!!! he has been gone for a week in austin, playing around at conferences and fun parties at south by southwest. i am so so SO happy he is returning. my sleeping has been horrible, gets better in the mornings which means now my sleep pattern is way way off because i stay up until i can't keep my eyes open, have choppy sleep and dreams for hours and then sleep hard and sleep in in the morning. poor.
i got most of my errands done last night, decided to work out, meet a gal about my bike, grocery shop, get gas, pick up bc, all last night. crazy girl. but all of that makes today manageable and not packed, a few errands, sweat it out and pick up a package from katrina! YAY!! they tried to deliver it, but alas i was not home.
i miss my girlfriends, my family, my cousins.
morgan will be sweet and giving, but the sharing will always be a chore. she will forgive people even when they don't ask for forgiveness. she will be creative and inventive, gauging all object's potential for greatness. she will always color, no matter what age. she will get her feelings hurt but always try to be brave. she will have a great sense of self and a high self esteem, "well its your loss" she will say. she will get insanely touched and tickled, feeling the full spectrum of human emotions at full intensity. hopefully she will not run after boys constantly, but its not looking good...
grant will be funny and well liked. he will need no self esteem boost, he knows he can do it. he will be affectionate and strong, smart and inquisitive. he will have a great laugh that makes others laugh too. he will bully his sister and turn around and hug her and proclaim his love for her a moment later.
so here are some of my moments:
"de da wee" translation: one two three. (2 years old) this was my way of pointing out there was a lot of something: "ALL the de da wee".
"that was skipping?" "that was swimming?" sincere questions at 6 years old when i finally figured those activities out. reminds me of card games in the dorms with allegra and hayley, their utter annoyance when i would say "did i just win?" sincere question.
"i want a bowl with a lid that doesn't fit" (about 4 years old)- this was my answer to, "what do you want for christmas"!!!!!!
this one cracks me up!
"i wish ben was real and i could marry him when i grow up" (6 years old)- in reference to my ben bear in my dollhouse. ben was perfection to me, because i created him. he was kind.
-now i have my own ben bear.
"i think those lines on the corners of women's eyes are so pretty i can hardly wait to have those." (about 8 years old)
what a healthy mentality :) i do love crow's feet still.
"i have a new friend at school and her name is katrina. i think we are going to be good friends" (about 13 years old).
:) smiles.
i asked katrina to be my lab partner in science... was it chemistry? biology? she was new to school and looked nice.
thats all for now sweet friends. i have slept in, played online with my words and thoughts. now i must eat something, drink coffee and get ready for my day. i love my day off-its the besttttt. great breaking news: MY HUSBAND COMES HOME TONIGHT!!!!! he has been gone for a week in austin, playing around at conferences and fun parties at south by southwest. i am so so SO happy he is returning. my sleeping has been horrible, gets better in the mornings which means now my sleep pattern is way way off because i stay up until i can't keep my eyes open, have choppy sleep and dreams for hours and then sleep hard and sleep in in the morning. poor.
i got most of my errands done last night, decided to work out, meet a gal about my bike, grocery shop, get gas, pick up bc, all last night. crazy girl. but all of that makes today manageable and not packed, a few errands, sweat it out and pick up a package from katrina! YAY!! they tried to deliver it, but alas i was not home.
i miss my girlfriends, my family, my cousins.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?
i've written about how spread out my friends are, well, my family is full of world travelers as well. oklahoma, alaska/north carolina, california, colorado, texas, japan. carol king, i don't know why people don't stay in one place anymore.
i sure wish we could all be in the california villa right now. it would be summer, i would be harassing my cousins to swim in the pool with me, all of them. i would convince one and then move on to the others, ranting about how i wanted them ALL to go swimming with me. i can be stubborn. i've pulled the pool routine since i was a kid and i would do it today if we were all there. some of my best childhood memories are of swimming with my couins, at their pool and the beach. california sunshine and water, there is nothing better. i want to slip on my swimsuit, pour heavy lotion on my body and jump into the sunshine.
two of my cousins, luke and emily, are in japan; this weekend japan was hit with a heavy earthquake and than a tsunami caused by the earthquake. i'm very happy to report that my family is safe and with shelter, food, and water- although water took awhile. mama and i were able to chat with them on the tele, which made us feel somewhat relieved. at least we were able to hear their voices. emily's laugh is outrageously perfect.
so now we wait to hear more news on the nuclear power plants and hope to god they figure out how to cool the reactors. the situations this world puts us on in are incredible. are they meant to make us realize our insignificance? but it is natural to have the world shift and crumble, turn and mold. we're just small moments in time and space, so fragile yet we act so entitled. sigh.
le sigh.
i miss my husband. i've been filling up my hours with news reports, weekend with mama, beading, letters, shows, but they only temporarily distract. i want a cuddle.
i am eager for new things to come, new moves and changes. but i worry too, what if i don't get in? then what? seriously, then what?
sometimes i get a pit in my stomach from anticipation. please please please, i plead.
mostly i feel calm due to my husband's presence (note-other wonderful people ease me as well), but right now i don't have this luxury. so instead i play with my hair incessantly, give myself shoulder aches from this motion and then fix my hair, relax my arm and stretch it out. and repeat.
le sigh.
i'm not complaining, just stressing. but there are always things to stress about- there always will be- from the natural disasters and loved ones near, to school and job distress- but i need to learn to deal in a way that is beneficial, profitable even if i can channel my energy.
i'm looking into channeling- have been dappling.
miss my girlfriends. come and we'll take walks and talk each other's ears off.
i sure wish we could all be in the california villa right now. it would be summer, i would be harassing my cousins to swim in the pool with me, all of them. i would convince one and then move on to the others, ranting about how i wanted them ALL to go swimming with me. i can be stubborn. i've pulled the pool routine since i was a kid and i would do it today if we were all there. some of my best childhood memories are of swimming with my couins, at their pool and the beach. california sunshine and water, there is nothing better. i want to slip on my swimsuit, pour heavy lotion on my body and jump into the sunshine.
two of my cousins, luke and emily, are in japan; this weekend japan was hit with a heavy earthquake and than a tsunami caused by the earthquake. i'm very happy to report that my family is safe and with shelter, food, and water- although water took awhile. mama and i were able to chat with them on the tele, which made us feel somewhat relieved. at least we were able to hear their voices. emily's laugh is outrageously perfect.
so now we wait to hear more news on the nuclear power plants and hope to god they figure out how to cool the reactors. the situations this world puts us on in are incredible. are they meant to make us realize our insignificance? but it is natural to have the world shift and crumble, turn and mold. we're just small moments in time and space, so fragile yet we act so entitled. sigh.
le sigh.
i miss my husband. i've been filling up my hours with news reports, weekend with mama, beading, letters, shows, but they only temporarily distract. i want a cuddle.
i am eager for new things to come, new moves and changes. but i worry too, what if i don't get in? then what? seriously, then what?
sometimes i get a pit in my stomach from anticipation. please please please, i plead.
mostly i feel calm due to my husband's presence (note-other wonderful people ease me as well), but right now i don't have this luxury. so instead i play with my hair incessantly, give myself shoulder aches from this motion and then fix my hair, relax my arm and stretch it out. and repeat.
le sigh.
i'm not complaining, just stressing. but there are always things to stress about- there always will be- from the natural disasters and loved ones near, to school and job distress- but i need to learn to deal in a way that is beneficial, profitable even if i can channel my energy.
i'm looking into channeling- have been dappling.
miss my girlfriends. come and we'll take walks and talk each other's ears off.
Friday, March 4, 2011
thin skin
i love the northwest so much i can't imagine living anywhere else, at least not for an extended amount of time. we have everything: seasons, mountains, water, forests, rivers, GREEN life. i love the way the air feels when its just rained, the sound of autumn leaves underfoot, the feel of sunshine in summer, the smell of fall and the feel of awakening and renewal, the mornings of snowfall.
but alas, all that said, i am feeling the thinness of my pale skin and wishing so hard that the sun would come and prick me. burn me even.
i yearn for leather sandals, transparent dresses, suits, tan/pink skin. i want to relive that day when j, allegra and i walked up to the park and laid in the sunshine and laughed ourselves sore. my skin begs for you summer, come hither! my heart needs you too, for after awhile, being indoors or wet all the time, takes its tole. my mind needs you because i can't think right in these spaces between doors and cars and rain drops. i've had enough thinking in rain drops.
words are repeating themselves in my head... a poem i wrote freshmen year. i remember sitting in front of miller hall, cowboy boot adorned legs splayed in front of me, watching the rain come down down down, filling puddles in the dips of red square. the rain has the power to turn every campus from a hub of excitement and knowledge to a place where we avoid eye contact, as if the rain might actually melt us if we look up from our phones or ipods. yes we are made out of sugar. but we're not holding umbrellas because lets face it- we just don't do that.
haiku for a rainy day
wrote your name on paper
threw it away
silent confession
when you leave
i stay.
i'm not saying its good. i'm just saying.
it is funny how certain things stay with us though. some of which, the importance is lost on me.
in winter i get up at night
and dress by yellow candlelight
in summer quite the other way
i have to go to bed by day
i have to go to bed and see
the birds still hopping on the tree
and hear the grown up people's feet
still passing by me in the street.
that poem is one of my favorites. i like the simplicity of it and the child's perspective. its from a children's poems book my mom has had in our home for years. i memorized it right away when i read it. i must have been under 10 years old.
but alas, all that said, i am feeling the thinness of my pale skin and wishing so hard that the sun would come and prick me. burn me even.
i yearn for leather sandals, transparent dresses, suits, tan/pink skin. i want to relive that day when j, allegra and i walked up to the park and laid in the sunshine and laughed ourselves sore. my skin begs for you summer, come hither! my heart needs you too, for after awhile, being indoors or wet all the time, takes its tole. my mind needs you because i can't think right in these spaces between doors and cars and rain drops. i've had enough thinking in rain drops.
words are repeating themselves in my head... a poem i wrote freshmen year. i remember sitting in front of miller hall, cowboy boot adorned legs splayed in front of me, watching the rain come down down down, filling puddles in the dips of red square. the rain has the power to turn every campus from a hub of excitement and knowledge to a place where we avoid eye contact, as if the rain might actually melt us if we look up from our phones or ipods. yes we are made out of sugar. but we're not holding umbrellas because lets face it- we just don't do that.
haiku for a rainy day
wrote your name on paper
threw it away
silent confession
when you leave
i stay.
i'm not saying its good. i'm just saying.
it is funny how certain things stay with us though. some of which, the importance is lost on me.
in winter i get up at night
and dress by yellow candlelight
in summer quite the other way
i have to go to bed by day
i have to go to bed and see
the birds still hopping on the tree
and hear the grown up people's feet
still passing by me in the street.
that poem is one of my favorites. i like the simplicity of it and the child's perspective. its from a children's poems book my mom has had in our home for years. i memorized it right away when i read it. i must have been under 10 years old.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
recipe of the day---
spinach
nuts-chopped almonds or walnuts preferred
strawberries
mushrooms
paul newman's ginger sesame low fat dressing.
chop, combine, stir.
enjoy.
nuts-chopped almonds or walnuts preferred
strawberries
mushrooms
paul newman's ginger sesame low fat dressing.
chop, combine, stir.
enjoy.
i'm in a hurry to get things done, i rush and rush until lifes no fun.
we're all in transition. i see this now, talking to chelsea and allegra today, it became clear. i think of my life as somewhat concrete but with constant introspection, applications being sent out into the world, job leaving a lot to be desired, i am also in a sort of limbo. and maybe this is alright, after all, we need these moments, these days, possibly even years, to decide who we are, what we want to be, what our focus should be on. i need to breathe more, deep breathes. i need to realize that time is constant and i don't need to try to out run time.
i am constantly stimulated- by conversations, games (yes indeed- i am warming up to games), letters, movies, books, current events on the radio, music. a minute ago i was looking out at the pouring rain- today is one of those days where mother nature can't make up her mind and the sky is full of sun breaks, clouds, rain and wind- and i was wondering: when is the last time i allowed myself complete stillness and quiet? and truly i am not sure. i am always thinking, always striving, always moving. i pride myself on being efficient, almost to the point of it being ridiculous. i move from one room to another, continually picking up and dropping off items here and there- heaven forbid i have to take two trips or go back into the bathroom to grab that pair of pants when i already grabbed something in there one minute ago. i mean-my goodness- a person can drive herself crazy in my head. calm down. sit. be still. be quiet. stop trying to be the fastest- no one cares. and those who do need to take a moment and rethink it all. for truly- yes- life is short and i am fairly certain we are not put on this earth to see how much we can accomplish in this small time.
yesterday i had time to see still and quiet but i didn't allow myself this. instead i busied myself with emails, figuring out classes, starting sewing projects that were way more frustrating than relaxing. i did walk into town which felt nice but i talked on the phone, problem solving in the quiet spaces of my head and stopped and looked at all houses for sale-going in a few. when have i walked with no time frame or destination? it seems against the point to plot out my time slots for quiet contemplation but maybe this would work.
theres always something, i have lists of errands and things that need to be done, going over on repeat in my head. shhh. quiet. be still. drink some tea. water is good.
i am constantly stimulated- by conversations, games (yes indeed- i am warming up to games), letters, movies, books, current events on the radio, music. a minute ago i was looking out at the pouring rain- today is one of those days where mother nature can't make up her mind and the sky is full of sun breaks, clouds, rain and wind- and i was wondering: when is the last time i allowed myself complete stillness and quiet? and truly i am not sure. i am always thinking, always striving, always moving. i pride myself on being efficient, almost to the point of it being ridiculous. i move from one room to another, continually picking up and dropping off items here and there- heaven forbid i have to take two trips or go back into the bathroom to grab that pair of pants when i already grabbed something in there one minute ago. i mean-my goodness- a person can drive herself crazy in my head. calm down. sit. be still. be quiet. stop trying to be the fastest- no one cares. and those who do need to take a moment and rethink it all. for truly- yes- life is short and i am fairly certain we are not put on this earth to see how much we can accomplish in this small time.
yesterday i had time to see still and quiet but i didn't allow myself this. instead i busied myself with emails, figuring out classes, starting sewing projects that were way more frustrating than relaxing. i did walk into town which felt nice but i talked on the phone, problem solving in the quiet spaces of my head and stopped and looked at all houses for sale-going in a few. when have i walked with no time frame or destination? it seems against the point to plot out my time slots for quiet contemplation but maybe this would work.
theres always something, i have lists of errands and things that need to be done, going over on repeat in my head. shhh. quiet. be still. drink some tea. water is good.
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